8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
