I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
