I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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