I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
