Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
