Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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