so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
