I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
