he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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