we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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