I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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