Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
