She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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