Pants 0. Shit 1.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize