a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
