I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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