She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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