You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
