I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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