It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
