well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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