I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
