Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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