I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
this will be a night to untag.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
