seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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