i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
