Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
