I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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