Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
