Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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