i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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