i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
