The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
