i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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