Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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