Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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