I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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