Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
