How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Couch. On fire.
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