I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
