Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
