Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
