dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Four minutes until I can fart!
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
