Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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