I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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