I accidentally burped into my bong.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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