I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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