Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
