Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
