I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
