I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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