I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
