I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
