Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
