In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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