just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize