it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Operation Purity has been aborted
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
