When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
