I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
